It is 1:45am

So here I sit, it’s 1:45am and I’ve already been in bed for a few hours.. I actually crawled into bed around 8pm because I’m on some medication that as of late food hasn’t been staying in me.. You know the expression “faster than shit through a goose ?” Perhaps you heard it from someone older than you or perhaps you just heard it now coming from yours truly, well right now I think there is something that happens faster than shit through a goose and it’s shit through a Kennie, more importantly this Kennie.

So these pills have basically made my stomach into a punching bag, which I did get warned when I started to take them that they would be tough on my stomach and trust me they’re not kidding.. Usually making multiple trips to the bathroom in a day so much so that I don’t even know if any of the food at times is in me enough for me to gain anything from it. Which has been causing me to go to bed early because by around 7pm I’m pretty fucking worn out and my tolerance for people is at a all time low by that point in time since I just want to sleep. Which this tends to mean that I’m usually awake around the hour of midnight and I’m fine with that and I tend to be awake for a few hours doing a few things which generally involves working on one of my websites and making a few changes to one of them or sitting here and scratching my balls wondering whose online and if anyone that I care to talk to will actually reply to me.

But usually by this time for the last few days anyone I want to talk to is usually in bed or away from the devices they use so the chance of me getting any sort of response is slim to none, so that becomes a last resort for what I want to do. This then has me attempting to write if anything comes to mind and to be honest as of late I’ve been getting a bit bored of writing poetry, I think the reason for that is because I do it so frequently and so rapidly at times that it almost becomes a blur to me. Certain times I’m just bored of it and wanting to write something else but I don’t know what else to write so what happens ? … More poetry happens to come out of me, I do have ideas to write but it’s just putting these ideas together because at times things sound good in my head but I don’t know if things would transfer to paper the way they sound in my head..

What can I say at times I get rather bored and when I get bored I get rather spontaneous which I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.. For example today I got bored when I looked in the mirror and thought “what the fuck am I going to do with my hair” since it’s getting to the point of actually having to style it… I stared at myself for about five minutes before I said “fuck this, I’m shaving my head”.. Me shaving my head isn’t something completely new to me, I’ve done it countless times before and I will do it countless times in the future it’s more or less me just getting frustrated or bored with my hair and not knowing what else to do with it so I shave it off thinking it’s one less thing I have to think about…

When I get bored I also tend to question many things, for example the last few days I’ve been questioning my blog, is wordpress where I want to be with my blog ? Or should I move it else where… Am I happy with my current website or should I just shut it down and point everything towards my blog ? … Am I happy with my current state of writing, should I be writing about something different.. Honestly these just tend to keep me awake at night and questioning things further, but in the past me sticking with one web host for long was an odd thing.. I say it was an odd thing because I tend to bounce between two or three different web hosts thinking a different host would give me something better, or would having my site on a place like Wix be better for me ?

Honestly at times I get tired of doing my own site, I find it frustrating, I find myself questioning everything about it… but then I look at myself and say honestly I’m no doubt the lease interesting person on this planet why would anyone search me out or search out the idea of me doing all this stuff that I do.. I admit it my sites are rather boring and I’ve spent money to try to make them more better but it doesn’t really work because I tend to just sit there scratching my head questioning if what I did was the best thing for me.. So then after a few days or a week my mind freaks out and I’m back to square one of creating shit myself and saying to myself “I can do things better myself than anything else” even though no matter what it doesn’t overly matter because it all showcases the same crap just with a different face on it, but nobody cares to look at the crap I want to showcase… At which point in time I no doubt loose my mind a bit more and start questioning if I want to give up on everything…

Which isn’t exactly what one wants, at times I wonder how people put up with me I start questioning everything and I know I’ve even asked my girlfriend 101 times if I should move my blog elsewhere but she keeps telling me to keep it where it is.. I think she’s concerned that if I move it elsewhere then I’ll want to move it to some place different after that and she’ll be stuck with 101 subscriptions to things and not knowing where I’m going to post next or maybe she’s hoping that something will happen to snap me out of my current state of mind… But I doubt much will change

As of late I’ve been thinking about getting out of writing, just trying my hand at something else, I don’t really know what else though.. I had the brief though of trying music again which is a thought but I don’t know how that will go.. But I guess I can give it a try and see what happens, I also had the thought of doing something with video but I don’t know what to do about that one either… I guess just random video shorts and seeing what happens.. I think it’s more so that I have Coyotes Publishing and I’m using the platform for who knows what.. So far nothing has overly worked for me that I’ve tried so I don’t know what else to try since I doubt anything else will overly work for me… I guess I’m always up for trying something new it’s just a matter of trying to find what that something new is that I want to try….

Kennie

Lost Feeling

I know I haven’t wrote anything in a bit, I think three days or maybe more since I wrote poetry. I know yesterday I wrote something that I posted or maybe it was the day before.

Honestly as of late I’ve just been feeling lost, I’ve been spending as much time as I could talking to my girlfriend just about anything really, I really haven’t had much to say about anything but I will gladly sit and listen to her and if I’m with her I’ll gladly look at her while she talks.. Of course I have the habit of trying to throw her off topic by doing stuff like mid sentence I’ll give her a kiss, depending on if it’s just a little kiss or if it lasts it sometimes has the habit of her forgetting what she was talking about.
Or we just sit and cuddle just to be together and she’ll curl up on me, yes she’s very cat like in that regard.

I normally do have that creative feeling and I have had it recently just I have kinda pushed it aside at times, I don’t know if it’s because I don’t feel like writing or if it’s because I’m worried that I might sound like a broken record by repeating myself.

Normally I don’t push my creativeness aside, every bit of creative juice I let it out… WOW that sounds kinda dirty hahaaa.

As of late I’m feeling lost, I know I’ve gotten out a bit more recently, went over to my Mom’s boyfriends place to help clean things up after a bit of a storm we had. I normally don’t go do stuff like that so it was definitely uncharacteristic of me. But I felt like I had to get out of the house for a bit and away from things, I don’t know what I really want to do but at those times when I did I definitely felt the need to get out. Even though I spent a portion of one of those days roaming his front yard picking up sticks and tossing them into a pile. It was something and it got me out of where I currently am.

Been doing thinking as of late, and maybe that’s why I haven’t really wrote anything since I’ve watched my writing numbers and how through my distributor my numbers have basically fallen to next to nothing, as of late my reads have been bouncing around the 20 mark, for the most of the time it stays below that. It makes me wonder if I should be using a distributing channel or not, or should I just stick with one site. Kinda like turning my site into it’s own personal library even though right now I don’t think I could be bothered, I just don’t think people go and read poetry like they use to. I know I get likes on here (my blog) when I write stuff but it makes me wonder if I should be writing any place else besides that. It certainly would save a assload of money, no I don’t pay to distribute anything but I do keep certain paid programs up dated so that I can use them without any problem.
Not that I pay something like Adobe that’s subscription based. I don’t and at most I drop I think $40 every few years to keep Paint Shop Pro updated. But it got me thinking how maybe I shouldn’t do that anymore.. Times are changing, it’s similar to my music I’ve thought about stepping away from that too. Just limiting myself to what I do, perhaps take a break from having to rush around and get things ready to distribute maybe that’s why I’m feeling lost.

Perhaps it is a time for a break and a time to just focus on two sites my blog and my actual site.. Or perhaps I’ll just focus on my blog for now. I think I have enough stuff out there in the world of distributing to spike people’s interest and I guess I’ll just focus on making my blog bigger.

Just a few thoughts, going to go have a bath and relax in the tub for a bit because clearly I’m dirty lol

Kennie

13 Reasons Why – Season 2 – Interesting…

So with hearing all about the series 13 reasons why and it being dubbed as “controversial” cause it talks about self harm and teen suicide I felt the need to check it out. I know my high school life sucked, like really really sucked and I did think about both those things when I was in high school. SO I checked out season one and been eagerly awaiting season two so I googled it to see when it was coming out and I came across an article stating that it has been delayed with an interesting bit of info:

“Millions of children watched; the Google search term for how to commit suicide spiked 26 per cent; and there were news reports of children literally taking their own lives after the series was released.”

I find that rather interesting that a show has that much dynamic to cause that much spike, but I guess it’s the old thing of “putting thoughts into ones heads” and that’s essentially what the show did and it no doubt would have had many people sitting around with there parents and never once had that thought in there head however with that show it put the thought in there head. Which lead to a google search and perhaps the final act…

If that’s what surrounds season one I may not be a network exec but I can already see a reason for not having a season three, let alone if a season two actually does get aired or not. I get the reason for the show if they put it out there they would hope that it would spark the conversation about the subject since the subject has been rather “Taboo” and it’s something that people shy away from it’s kinda like mental health that’s also something that people have been shy about talking.

So I much like many of it’s fans are eagerly awaiting the start of season two. but those are my brief thoughts about it… I shall return later…

Kennie

One Of My Biggest Problems…

One of my biggest problems is I get ideas for stories but I have trouble following through with them, I know that’s why I abandoned “House Of Elmer” because I got really deep into it and I really enjoyed writing it then all of a sudden I woke up and was like “Nah I don’t want to write that anymore” I even talked to my girlfriend about it. Who told me if I wasn’t feeling like it then I shouldn’t write about it. It later got placed in a release just to show the world.

I think that’s why I stick with poetry because in short that’s what it is, just short poetry I don’t really have to plan long term and look at a second or third book… I’ve even had ideas for my poetry and you know where they currently are ?… Still floating around in my head making me wonder if I should do them or not..

At times I can write 4-6 bits of poetry a day and as my followers you’ve no doubt seen it, however at times I struggle to get out one or at times my brain feels like mush and I can’t even get one out so I post up just random stuff to let you all have a glimpse into my mind, which honestly I’m surprised I haven’t had anyone leave after getting a look into my mind.

I feel like I struggle with everything including talking and saying what I want to say at times, which is a good thing that I’m not required to do any sort of “press” or “interviews” because I think I would give up on writing or just do it more privately. I don’t really know what .

In fact I struggle daily with the “why did I create a html website ? … Not to mention that I renewed my TLD for another year.. I’m unsure why, it doesn’t get looked at as frequently as this blog.

At times I just like to pour myself out to the blog to a bunch of random strangers plus my girlfriend who does read the blog as well. I would like to say I do it in hopes of getting answers but that’s not really the case, because I don’t get answers.

But that’s enough out of me, for now at least

Kennie

Short Lived ?

So here I sit, and post on the site that I said I was walking away from. However as I decided to venture out and walk away from all that I created in order to start the creation process once again. I find myself wondering if that shit was short lived…

Was it ?

Well this time around roaming solo, I have carefully decide what site I should be posting on and one of the sites I’m using is no different than what I use to use, but for my distribution site I’ve gone with a completely different site.. But this is where things may turn out to be short lived, I’m in the middle of creating my first release solo and it asked me for my writing name so I gave it, seeing how my writing name is just a first name… Which isn’t a uncommon ground for artists just to use one name (ya know… Cher, Eminem… etc) So it makes me wonder if it will actually accept it or not, I won’t know until I go to push my book out for distribution.

If it requires a last name then my plans end up being short lived, the reason for that is because I never once thought about using a second name, I chose not to use my real last name either because lets face it when you live in a small town it’s very easy to find you… Not that my last name isn’t easy to come across, but I try to use it as little as possible.

So I don’t know if my idea will be lasting long or very short lived, only time will tell, but I do have a fall back plan… If my plan is short lived and I can’t publish with just one name than I will clearly revert back to this site and go about things as if I never ventured off to do my own thing and I will no doubt close up the other site.
At that point I will resubmit it with the newer distribution but through us.

But anyways that’s all I have to say at this point in time.

Kennie

Wordpress, starting to make sense..

I’ve created websites, with html for a number of years and I’m starting to see why people have changed up to wordpress. It’s just easier for everyone. I’ve had two websites I’ve debated about bringing up to date with a old host but I don’t know, one part of me says YES another part of me says, copy and paste works just as easy and I can post it here on wordpress. It’s kind of less stress to deal with, maybe that’s what I will do…

I may not be able to do the domain with things as I would like without paying but after a short time I won’t be renewing them so I might as well make my home elsewhere with the sites and right now wordpress seems like a great place..

Guess I should get started…

Christmas Thoughts…

So we all know that Christmas is coming. For the last few years I had a thought but haven’t really stepped forward with it because I kept getting stopped in the same tracks. One of the things I thought for my Christmas list was “donation in my name to…..?” but that’s the thing I honestly wouldn’t know where I would want a donation sent. Most people say “do something close to you” well I could do something close to the family like the Canadian Cancer Society since Mom had breast cancer. But I would want something close to me, I think the only thing I could do is a donation to Sick Kids. The reason for that is when I was alot younger than I am now I had a hernia removed and I was in sick kids for that, then I got thinking deeper….

I had the thought of listing suicide hotline, no I never called it myself. But I’m sure many people do call it, but back in high school I did think about committing because of being bullied and harassed but I chose not to. The thing is not many people know that about me, I generally don’t talk about that side of my life to many people. So why are you guys so special ? Well I’m just putting it out there, it’s really your choice to read it or not to read it. I don’t know if people will look down on me for that or look up to me for that, not that it matters. I choose not to tell family about certain aspects of my life because my family seems to be very judgmental about everything so I hide many things from them. Such as the fact that I write speaking of which I took the time today to setup the books page on the site to show everything that I released at some point in time.

So my idea of a donation to something I would like to help, it didn’t happen this year, but I’m going to keep it in mind. I might do my own personal donation to something as my own gift to myself, I haven’t decided fully if I’m going to or not or where but if I do I’ll be sure to talk about it.

Last Night

Last night was a bad night for myself, had to make a late night trip to the bathroom. Not exactly how I chose to spend my saturday nights when I’m trying to sleep but lets face it things like that do happen. I don’t know if it’s cause I ate something that didn’t agree with me or what it was.

Making Music

So for the last little while I’ve been making music but that as abruptly stopped and everything I created was pulled from online since I discovered what I was making I couldn’t sell and that’s what I was trying to do, the license said that I could freely distribute but I couldn’t sell anything that I made. Needless to say it bothered me when I found that out since I sunk in a bunch of money into things already. So I’ve done my homework and I’m looking at another program, right now the other program I’m looking into is: Mixcraft 8 Home Studio I would buy it on steam, since I already have a few games on steam that I play and it’s the easiest way for me to buy things through it since I don’t have to worry about serial numbers or anything like that.  I’m sure I could no doubt use the software I have it’s just the loops I would have to replace, I might look into that in the near future. Right now I’m just trying to limit what I do just because I know the end of the year can be overwhelming with the holidays. But I decided to setup a paypal.me link so if you’d like to drop me a tip feel free by clicking here

Well that’s all that I have to really share right now, not sure what I’m going to do for the rest of the day.

Kennie