You really have to go above and beyond to fit in.
Starting to call yourself bi
Wanting to walk in a gay pride parade.
Just cause the only people who seem to accept you call themselves bi
But you’ve always been a follower, never been one to walk your own path.
Just make up stories to convince yourself otherwise.
Saying that “it’s how I’ve felt all my life”..
But shhh it’s your own secret, cause nobody else believes it.
They could have said anything to you, you’d dive into it.
Saying “that’s me”, it’s like drinking the kool aid
But that’s what you want.
I wonder what else you’ll convince yourself of.
But I see they’re just using you.
It’s just like a soap opera watching you with them.
I bet your friends can say “we were abused as children”
You would hop on board with that one too.
Little rich girl who has never been treated poorly in her life.
Couldn’t handle it if your life went that way.
Your goto move was always “ignore it, maybe it’ll go away”
The book is finally released so click on the cover and go read it
In the garbage, the garbage where it belong.
Time to rid my life of bad memories.
Went through a desk drawer and seen the two rings.
Engagement rings for me and my ex.
Picked them up, looked at them.
Threw them in the garbage.
Time to get rid of those memories.
Once the ring got placed on her finger the lies became thicker.
The excuses doubled.
Her eyes rolled more than ever.
I know now it was all bullshit.
The lies just make me angry
It’s hard to imagine if you’ve never been through it.
I never really understood it myself until it happened.
But her happiness has been found between multiple guys legs.
I have grown sick over time with the anger and stress.
Times I can’t keep food down or in me.
Many times I can’t stand to be in the same room as her.
I know just looking at me and my actions that things have changed about me.
Grown more tired and more aggrovated.
Trying not to put that on people who are close to me.
In the garbage is where that portion of my life belongs
So we got hit with a storm on Friday, it knocked the power out for about an hour but before the power went out we lost our phone line which ultimately lead to us loosing our internet as well.. We lost the internet around 4pm… It didn’t come on until sometime Sunday which was roughly 36 hours later.
Needless to say it wasn’t fun, you don’t realize how much you use the internet until it’s gone then when it is gone and you realize how much of your life revolved around it.
Anyways Friday night I had trouble sleeping, so I got on the computer because I didn’t know what else to do and with the wind blowing and I could hear it in the basement.
So I chose to do some writing, and I sat here and wrote and I have a full release ready of stuff I wrote in one night the title of the release is: “Nothing Could Have Saved Me”
Right now I don’t have a cover created nor do I even have a release date.
But I wanted to mention about the writing because I know it’s been a few days since I have done a post.
Hopefully I’ll get a cover done sooner than later, today I’m just trying to finish up things that I was working on Friday when we lost the internet.
You have no idea who you are, never did.
Bet yet your letting your “friends” influence your life.
They’re just using you because your letting them.
They know your in a confused state right now.
So they know it’s easy to get your legs open.
For them to penetrate you and only talk to you when they want more.
They will drop the “L” word and compliment you to make you feel special.
Cause they know that’s what your looking for in your life.
The relationship that you say your not looking for, is OK with them.
They just want that spot between your legs.
They want to see what your willing to do.
Make you do things and put you in awkward positions.
Make it where you have to hide your face in shame.
Do what you have to in order to run from your past.
That’s your entire life at this point is running.
Must hide, ignore it like it doesn’t exist.
You always wanted to ignore it until it went away.
I wanted you to talk to me about it, I was understanding.
But I see how that goes you told your friends everything.
Left me out in the rain.
I gave up on you and moved on, do my best to stay away.
But I watch you and see what your doing.
That past that you were so ashamed of, your running back to.
But that’s clearly what you want is to have something in your life you have to hide from.
It’s shameful that you can’t figure out who you are.
Letting your friends dictate your life.
If I spent all day in bed, just laying there watching movie after movie.
I don’t know if anyone would overly care.
Not sure if anyone would check on me to see if I was alright.
I would continue to lay there and stare blankly at the tv.
No matter what was on, not sure if I would absorb it or not.
I would lay there and wonder what will tomorrow bring.
Would it be anything different, would it be better.
Perhaps something inspiring that day, or more dull.
Today I laid in bed until around 11am, I was awake at 10ish.
I just had no interest to really get out of bed.
Remembering laying there looking at the wall .
Thinking to myself, what if I did this all day.
Would that say anything different about me.
No I doubt it would.
If I went MIA would anyone try to get in touch with me.
Or is the idea of silence be golden.
At times I feel like the only time I talk
Is when I blog, sending my thoughts into the world.
For those who have found me and want to know what’s going on.
I feel lost, I know what I use to enjoy.
What I use to do through the days to keep my mind active.
As of late I feel like I can’t get into any of that.
Like I just want to put distance between me and that.
But for some reason I still go through those motions.
Hoping the enjoyment will come back to me.
Each day I want to just give up on those things.
Walk away from it and say “that’s no longer me”
I struggle with things that I use to enjoy.
Use to spend lots of time playing sports video games.
I just struggle with it now.
Not sure if I want to do it anymore.
The passion just isn’t there, almost like that part of me is dead.
Perhaps what’s best is for me to walk away from that part of me.
Figure out what’s going on, figure out what I enjoy.
I spent so much money on things I thought I enjoyed.
Now I’m second guessing it, making me wonder.
Did I just do it on a whim.
Or was the passion of that interest really there