Let The Countdown Begin

14 days from today and POOF
I’m gone, not to be heard of again.
Yup, I kept thinking about it.
I finally am doing it.

It’ll be perminate
It’s what people want to be happy
My facebook account will be perminately deleted
Only have a few ways of getting in touch with me

Not like it matters, my phone will be dead
I won’t hear from anyone
My email will get a digital tumbleweed
Nothing new coming in

So that’s what people want me to do is to exit from them
To walk away, never to be heard from again
Guess I’ve always been on this planet to make people happy
Or try to, starting to think why I was bullied

Had to make them feel superior so it made them happy
Clearly that’s what I was on this planet for
Clearly that’s why I am on this planet
I would say it’s possible to stop

It is, but I doubt it will be
Nobody will care
I’ve always been an after htought in so many people’s minds
It’s not like it matters

My life won’t change much
Still sitting around the house not doing much
More time to concentrate on my writing
More time to concentrate on other hobbies

Time will tell what other hobbies I attempt to get into
Can’t wait to see what my mind comes up with
So as you wish, You no longer have to hear from me
I shall vanish from your life

I would say if you want to talk you know how to reach me
But I know I won’t hear from you

The clock is ticking

Kennie

Forget Me

I wish people would just forget me.
Continue to live there lives like I don’t exist.
Not that I play a big role
I’m just a inconveince I know I am

Not sure why people put up with me
When so many better people exist
I know everyone would be better off if I wasn’t apart of things
Less crap they would have to put up with.

Lives would no doubt be better
People would be much happier
I’m like the troll under the bridge
Not asking for a toll, just being the annoyance

That nobody seems to pay attention to
Besides why should they
Never been anything special
Never will be either

I’m too stupid to even change
That I know that I can admit
Not sure what the future holds
At this point do I even care

Honestly, not really.
I’m tired of people feeling sad for me, I wish they’d rather just forget me instead
That would be the easiest thing for them to do
I don’t know what else they expect from me

Doing the same thing everyday
Becoming an annoyance
Maybe I should just quit asking for things I know I won’t get
I don’t think anyone would overly care.

It would just be easier on them, but they would no doubt love that
So maybe that’s what I should do.
Just sit backand zip my lips, say little in return
They can  go on and I will stay back.

Just like verything else in life
I always stay back
Everyone else always moves on and moves faster
Just the way it was meant to be.

Kennie

My Brain

I’ve always hated how my brain works
How it processes information, always seems to want to goto panic mode
Always looking for the worse
Needing something to stress over

I wish I could stop it
I’m tired of it
Can’t stand the stress from my brain
I keep thinking maybe things will change tomorrow

That’s not the case, it’s almost like tomorrow makes it worse
At times I wish my brain would just stop
But I know what that would mean and others wouldn’t like it
Or so I’m guessing, maybe they would, I don’t know

At times I wonder if there’s something wrong with me.
I feel like I can’t sit down and do some thinking without going into panic
Start thinking about the future and how screwed I am
Start wondering how can I possibly change it, realize it’s not possible.

It’s almost like my life is a train stuck on it’s tracks and I see the future
Can’t really do anything about it except sit and wait
Wondering when will it get to me, wondering how bad it’s going to be
Who am I kidding, I know it will be bad.

I’m going to be lost, confused and completely fucked
Always felt like I have no place to go, I get the feeling it’ll be true.
It makes me not want to get out of bed at times
Hopefully laying in bed will help me out

But I already know that it won’t
I feel like I don’t even know who I am
People keep telling me to do certain things with my life.
My life hasn’t worked out in that way yet.

I feel like life isn’t for me
Not sure what would be for me.
Maybe something
Maybe nothing

Kennie

Sadness

I feel like my brain is plagued with sadness
At times I don’t know if it’s flooding my brain more
Or if it’s just leaving me confused

I’ve spent days just looking at the wall
Wondering when this day will be over
Just to crawl back into bed

Even days that I know I’m having trouble sleeping
I try to fill my mind with happier thoughts
At times it doesn’t work, the sadness just comes in.

I feel like I’m being chased by it.
But I keep tripping up
So it always seems to find it’s way to catch me.

The endless cycle that it is, is there no way around it.
Is it like a video game where I am missing a secret entrance.
Maybe this is what my life has become

Me drowning an endless ocean of sadness.
Always being pulled under
Will I ever be able to breathe

Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life
At times I think it is.
Always what I’ve wanted

Maybe one day, someone will save me.
Being able to pull me from it
To show me the better side of life.

Kennie

Just A Dumb Guy

I’m just a dumb guy, nothing that great about me.
Sharing random thoughts with the world upon a blog
Dipped into the world of erotic writing, never knew
How much it would take out of me.

Found myself drowning, surrounded by sex. Never been my life
Every chance I got that’s all I found I was looking at.
Finally when I got away it made me feel depressed
Sat alone for a few days, looking at the wall

Trying to gather my thoughts
Many enjoy Dare 2
I called it mentally exhausting, depressing even.
It would just be random thought I wrote about, but I drew myself in.

Not exactly the thing I want
Not even sure if I’m ready to write right now
Just hiding away from things seems like the best method
I just feel more quiet, more than usual.

I don’t know what to do as I watch the time tick away.
Feeling more bored as of late, more than ever.
Sitting and looking at the screen
Wondering what’s next for me

Is my writing life hit it’s peak
Is it time for me to just quit doing it
Do I need to find something else to write about

Kennie

How Can I ?

How can I help someone
The guy who’ve always had trouble talking and expressing his own thoughts
One of my own personal demons that’s always been on my back.
Never been good for opening myself up to people.

But at times people come to me like I know what to say
Or like I know what to do to make them feel better.
I can’t even figure out my own shit, yet people come to me.
It makes me feel like Raj from big bang.

Stand, listen and if need be hyperventilate.
It never has gotten to that last one.
But I always wish I had something better to say
Standing there and not saying anything isn’t what the person wants.

They tend to think something is wrong with you.
Perhaps something is wrong with me.
I’ve never been good in high pressure situations
I always get nervous

I know I’m also very shy around everyone.
I tend to clam up and want to hide away from everything
Knowing that’s not the best thing to do
Struggling to find the words is something I always do.

You can usually hear me stutter when I struggle
At times it becomes more and more noticeable
I wish I had better things to say at certain times.

My Father was always a good one with plenty of intelligent things to say
I guess that gene never got passed onto me.
I don’t think it reached either of his children.

At times I worry about struggling with a conversation
Perhaps that’s why I’m so quiet at times.
I hate seeing myself struggle
To stutter, to falter

Kennie

Shut Off

At times I just want to shut off myself from the world.
It makes me wonder if it would be the best decision
Would anyone reach out wondering if I’m alright
Would they worry about me if they didn’t hear from me

Or would my life be more filled with quietness
Could it even get anymore quieter
I doubt that it could.
I sit in quietness, wrapped in a blanket of quiet, drowning in quiet.

My thoughts echo
Inside my mind where only I can hear them.
I wonder what else is going on.
But I’m too busy drowning

I don’t know if anyone notices
I don’t know if anyone cares
I don’t think it really matters

I’m no longer interesting
They have seen behind the curtain
I guess I’m just like every other monster
Or so that’s how they look at me.

Feeling like I should be concerned with large groups
Pitchforks and fire

I’m the one who always looks down.
Watching the ground more than what’s infront of me
Never really had a reason to lift my head up.

Easiest is just to go undetected.
To stay out of others way
To keep to myself
I do nothing but cause problems.

It’s  best to avoid detection
To be under the cover of shyness
Not having to talk

When I talk trouble seems to happen
What was one way is now another

Kennie

Non Drinker

Some people think I look down upon ones who drink alcohol
Or that I hate on you when you do such thing

Growing up, I was surrounded by drinkers
They were all two faced including my damn Father.
It was like lights on / lights off when he began to drink
That’s how noticeable it was.

He would always try to act like he’s my best friend
I learned this the hard way when he tried to get close to me
Then a few days down the road he tried to use what I said against me.
That’s when I knew not to trust him when he was drinking.

Mom was the same way, at times she still is.
I gave up drinking before Dad passed away.
Could always see myself turning into him
That’s one thing that I didn’t want

So sadly yes if you drink around me you’ll always see a different side of me.
You may not care who you see.
My whole family dumps on me for not being a drinker.
Various times a year they try to push it on me.

I would rather sit with pop in my hand
Rather than something with alcohol
People who meet other family members before me wonder why I don’t drink.
My whole family uses it as a coping mechanism.

I use to go out with a few friends and drink every chance I got.
Then one day it was like I opened my eyes
Decided I didn’t need to anymore.

I would try to drink a bit around my ex
Then I found she would push it more and more.
The little bit that I did, I didn’t enjoy. It didn’t last long
I quit doing it, she seemed to do it more.

It made me wonder if I was the cause
It was her way of dealing with me.
Before we split she talked drinking more and more
Doing liquid lunches just to forget.

She still talks like that
But now it’s more static in the background
I made one comment to her about it since we split, she lost her shit.
Laughed as I walked away

I don’t think I’m better than everyone else
I’ve always thought that I’m worse than everyone else
But my non drinking ways won’t change that

If you drink around me then yes, you may see a different side of me.
Perhaps hear it in my voice too
Perhaps see it in my actions

It’s just the way I am
It’s how I look at things

Kennie