Well…

Well I’m glad that I posted the last article when I did, as I was in a better mood. Right now I don’t know if I would post something like that because of how I am feeling.

But I do feel that women deserve to hear that every day, I don’t think some of them hear it enough. So I wanted to post it up as my own way of sending some positive thoughts to those who need to hear it.

Hopefully something will put me in a better mood this evening, although it could be just that I am feeling rather tired at the moment. But who knows.

Kennie

Been Feeling

The last few days I’ve been feeling rather sick to my stomach, I think it’s a mix of stress from everything going on in my life and something else, maybe anger.. I don’t know what else maybe it’s just stress.

So I’ve been spending countless hours in bed, basically I usually am in bed by like 7pm watching a string of randomly chosen movies until I fall asleep. I’m sure tonight won’t be much different because of how things have been.

I’ve been fighting with my ex who still lives with me after seven months and she continues to proceed to talk shit about me behind my back (ok call that one a hunch) which I don’t understand because I try to do everything for her that I can including being there for her after she got into a fender bender a week ago.
But yet here I am “the asshole” who apparently can’t do anything right. I continue to try to help out where I can but at times my frustration bubbles over and other emotions come out.

The problem with that is I have trouble talking to people, when I start talking to people I begin to shake which is very bad, specially when meeting new people they all seem to think something is wrong with me, which is no doubt why my current girlfriend hasn’t introduced me to any of her friends because she knows how much my shaking bothers me and we haven’t spent much time together recently cause she’s very busy.

I’ve been trying to sort all this shit out in my head which resorts me to climbing into bed and trying to drift out of my thoughts by watching countless movies while in bed. Since I don’t know what else to do with myself right now.

That’s why I haven’t been writing so much or the one day that I did write a string of things came to me and I set things up on a schedule so that it would look like I was writing all day long when really it happened in about an hour or two then I had it string along through the entire day.

So that’s how things are with me right now and why I haven’t really been doing much.

The other thing that’s slowed me down today was I’ve been beta testing windows (which does mean I’m a windows insider) and the latest build (that is not public) has been producing a number of green screens which is formerly called blue screens or “blue screen of death” but now it’s “green screen of death”.. Things have been fine for the most part but today has definitely been a exception as I’ve gotten I think five or six of them so I have limited what I’ve been doing at this time. But I should have a new build come out this week, hopefully sooner the better and hopefully that problem can get fixed.

That is where my life stands right now

Kennie

Been Going Through A lot

So for the last little while I have been going through a lot of shit in regards to my ex. I have been spending lots of time in bed and wanting to hide from the world and sleeping when I can.

I have recently been told that I am depressed which may explain why I haven’t been posting that frequently on my blog as of late.

I have had a hard time finding the want to do just that, like I said I have just been wanting to lay in bed and hide and eating very little as well. I have also lost weight too from all of this that is going on.

Not sure how much longer it will take before she leaves so I don’t know how much longer I will be like this.

For that I apologize

Kennie

Having Trouble

So I’ve been having trouble the last two days, been wanting to do a bunch of site work on one of my sites however it appears that is what’s causing trouble.. I’ve just been feeling so down the last few days that I don’t want to work on stuff like that which usually takes my mind off things. I haven’t really felt like doing anything except laying in bed all day in total darkness hiding from the world.

I have started the bit of site work that I have wanted to do but honestly what I have done should have taken me like five or six minutes, but instead it’s taken me about two or three hours.
I feel like I just don’t want to do anything anymore and it bothers me.

In one way I want to blame my ex cause I’m just so exhausted dealing with her shit on a day to day basis that by the evening I just want to lay in bed.. I don’t even feel like eating half the time either, I don’t feel like doing anything.
I feel like I’m constantly struggling to do shit as of late and I hate that.

Things that I normally do to take my mind off things have been the most difficult thing for me to do.

The last two days I’ve honestly been sitting and looking out the window as time passes because I’m having trouble doing anything else.

Kennie

Lost Feeling

I know I haven’t wrote anything in a bit, I think three days or maybe more since I wrote poetry. I know yesterday I wrote something that I posted or maybe it was the day before.

Honestly as of late I’ve just been feeling lost, I’ve been spending as much time as I could talking to my girlfriend just about anything really, I really haven’t had much to say about anything but I will gladly sit and listen to her and if I’m with her I’ll gladly look at her while she talks.. Of course I have the habit of trying to throw her off topic by doing stuff like mid sentence I’ll give her a kiss, depending on if it’s just a little kiss or if it lasts it sometimes has the habit of her forgetting what she was talking about.
Or we just sit and cuddle just to be together and she’ll curl up on me, yes she’s very cat like in that regard.

I normally do have that creative feeling and I have had it recently just I have kinda pushed it aside at times, I don’t know if it’s because I don’t feel like writing or if it’s because I’m worried that I might sound like a broken record by repeating myself.

Normally I don’t push my creativeness aside, every bit of creative juice I let it out… WOW that sounds kinda dirty hahaaa.

As of late I’m feeling lost, I know I’ve gotten out a bit more recently, went over to my Mom’s boyfriends place to help clean things up after a bit of a storm we had. I normally don’t go do stuff like that so it was definitely uncharacteristic of me. But I felt like I had to get out of the house for a bit and away from things, I don’t know what I really want to do but at those times when I did I definitely felt the need to get out. Even though I spent a portion of one of those days roaming his front yard picking up sticks and tossing them into a pile. It was something and it got me out of where I currently am.

Been doing thinking as of late, and maybe that’s why I haven’t really wrote anything since I’ve watched my writing numbers and how through my distributor my numbers have basically fallen to next to nothing, as of late my reads have been bouncing around the 20 mark, for the most of the time it stays below that. It makes me wonder if I should be using a distributing channel or not, or should I just stick with one site. Kinda like turning my site into it’s own personal library even though right now I don’t think I could be bothered, I just don’t think people go and read poetry like they use to. I know I get likes on here (my blog) when I write stuff but it makes me wonder if I should be writing any place else besides that. It certainly would save a assload of money, no I don’t pay to distribute anything but I do keep certain paid programs up dated so that I can use them without any problem.
Not that I pay something like Adobe that’s subscription based. I don’t and at most I drop I think $40 every few years to keep Paint Shop Pro updated. But it got me thinking how maybe I shouldn’t do that anymore.. Times are changing, it’s similar to my music I’ve thought about stepping away from that too. Just limiting myself to what I do, perhaps take a break from having to rush around and get things ready to distribute maybe that’s why I’m feeling lost.

Perhaps it is a time for a break and a time to just focus on two sites my blog and my actual site.. Or perhaps I’ll just focus on my blog for now. I think I have enough stuff out there in the world of distributing to spike people’s interest and I guess I’ll just focus on making my blog bigger.

Just a few thoughts, going to go have a bath and relax in the tub for a bit because clearly I’m dirty lol

Kennie

Myself

So while time is ticking down since my ex is going to be moving out. I can’t help but realize that I don’t know if I know how to take care of myself. Yup here I am a 36 year old man who does not know how to take care of himself.

I know the very basic thing how to take care of myself but I honestly don’t know how to cook many things and I know that after my ex moves out mom won’t be buying me the similar food that my ex has in the past.

I know that what I just typed sounds pathetic but it is fine because it is entirely true. One part of me is rather worried about being in the house alone with my own thoughts.

But I guess time will tell how things go for me.

Kennie

P. S. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL THE MOMS OUT THERE

The past

So it seems I’ve gotten many views as of late, not a whole lot where it’s like “holy shit” but more than usual. So I guess that means that everyone has that one bad relationship. So I’m glad I can write stuff that everyone can relate to..

I know my current girlfriend is very open with me. We’ve talked about so many more things than my ex and it’s just been a short time with her too. I’ve learned much and got to ask questions about stuff that my ex just answered things very simplistically. When I ask a question it’s cause I’m interested and I would like to learn it’s not just asking you a question to fake some sort of interest.
Some guys might do that, but I’m not one of those guys.

I haven’t decided how long my current release will be, current release is called “Long Road To Nowhere” , I think it’s currently 12-13 pages… But I could be wrong… I haven’t decided how long I would like to make it yet.

I haven’t decided if I wanted to write today, cause the last two days we’ve had a ice storm and I’ve watched the lights flicker a few times so I’ve just been trying to keep what I do down to a minimal.

Kennie

First Few Days Of April

Hello Folks;

As we all know we’re now in April and just three days into it, well tomorrow (wedneday 4th) is the day that my xbox live gold subscription ends, knowing the way xbox is they will no doubt give me the entire day before it actually ends so in one way it will just end on the 5th. I’ve planned for this for quite sometime I have lots of games I haven’t played and honestly I went on some sort of spending rampage racking up quite the bill of games that I would like to play in the near future. I honestly think the games I have will no doubt last me for a good year or maybe two it will depend on how frequently I play them plus it will also depend on how long each game is. I still have games that I’ve started and barely have gotten 2% into and have moved onto something else. Not only that but it wouldn’t surprise me if between now and when I finish my games that a new game might come into my hands between now and then on a few occasions I know I’ve talked to my girlfriend about getting FarCry 5 at some point in time, I’m still working on FarCry 4 truthfully and I’m only about I think 40% done it, I have to say it’s a long long game, or maybe it’s cause I did a bunch of the side missions and things like that before diving into the actual story so that my character already had a bunch of crap that he unlocked prior to doing the missions and I basically have everything unlocked for my character before I crossed over to the second part of the island (or land mass or country… ) I’m not saying that it makes the game that much easier but who knows maybe it does since this is my first time playing it and running around solo doing the offline version, what can I say I have zero friends online.. Most of the time I have random people add me for one reason or another but I guess they figure that I’m going to swoop in and save them, but truthfully that’s not going to happen since tomorrow as I said is the last day that I’ll be playing online.

I have learned one thing… Xbox does two big sales a year, they do a summer sale and a Christmas sale, the difference from being a regular and a gold membership ? … 10% So I will still come across sales twice a year and that’s fine.

Last year when I had to renew my xbox gold I really hesitated and I waited until the last day before I actually did it, I more so did it for the gaming discounts because I’m not a online gamer. I more so play with myself… (cue the dirty thoughts) . I’m fine with that though. I know more and more Xbox is bringing 360 games to the world of backwards compatibility so here’s hoping that they bring forth some of the games that I own and it will allow me to play more items without having to worry about it.

So that’s where I stand in terms of my Xbox gaming.

Lets see what all else is going on with me, I’ve struggled with some thoughts recently some sad thoughts. I guess the nightmare or two that I had didn’t help the situation with that either.

Been thinking alot about me this year though, I’ve came to the conclusion that I’m 36 and I have no life path whatsoever. Some people plan there lives out, others follow the parental footsteps and do what there parents do. I honestly don’t know what I want to do, I’ve tried getting an actual job and nobody has hired me at this point. I dread this year because companies are closing up because of the minimum wage hike, what will make things worse is it’s suppose to go up again in 2019… So I can see that not helping me.
I sit here and I look at the rest of this year and I don’t know what is going to happen with me this year in all honesty. I know I will no doubt continue to write and release stuff when I have ideas or when something triggers a thought.

I want to do something more than write poetry, as I’ve said before I’ve tried short stories or stories the problem is I get frustrated / bored with things so quickly that the idea leaves me and I end up giving up on things which is why certain releases I’ve done recently happened the way they did.

I would never blame anyone for what goes on in my head besides me, I’m the one who has to be alone with myself and live with my own thoughts, I know I have a girlfriend who will gladly listen to me ramble about anything possible if it would help me out and I’m greatful for that but at the end of the day I’m still alone with my own thoughts and have to listen to those voices. I know I’ve said to her a dozen times if not more that I’ve wanted to run away and show up at her place and be with her just so that I wouldn’t be alone with my own thoughts but I know at some point in time I would end up being alone with my own thoughts.

I know that I write in the positive sense because I’ll be the first one to tell everyone “I wouldn’t want anyone else to know what’s going on inside of my head besides me” I more so say that because life is a complicated place and I know many people run through there own personal struggles on a day to day basis so why have anymore. I’m not worried if people would call me “psycho” or shit like that, been called names like that enough through high school they all lost all meaning.

So there ya go, it’s not even the fourth day in April and that’s already what’s going through my mind.

Kennie