It is 1:45am

So here I sit, it’s 1:45am and I’ve already been in bed for a few hours.. I actually crawled into bed around 8pm because I’m on some medication that as of late food hasn’t been staying in me.. You know the expression “faster than shit through a goose ?” Perhaps you heard it from someone older than you or perhaps you just heard it now coming from yours truly, well right now I think there is something that happens faster than shit through a goose and it’s shit through a Kennie, more importantly this Kennie.

So these pills have basically made my stomach into a punching bag, which I did get warned when I started to take them that they would be tough on my stomach and trust me they’re not kidding.. Usually making multiple trips to the bathroom in a day so much so that I don’t even know if any of the food at times is in me enough for me to gain anything from it. Which has been causing me to go to bed early because by around 7pm I’m pretty fucking worn out and my tolerance for people is at a all time low by that point in time since I just want to sleep. Which this tends to mean that I’m usually awake around the hour of midnight and I’m fine with that and I tend to be awake for a few hours doing a few things which generally involves working on one of my websites and making a few changes to one of them or sitting here and scratching my balls wondering whose online and if anyone that I care to talk to will actually reply to me.

But usually by this time for the last few days anyone I want to talk to is usually in bed or away from the devices they use so the chance of me getting any sort of response is slim to none, so that becomes a last resort for what I want to do. This then has me attempting to write if anything comes to mind and to be honest as of late I’ve been getting a bit bored of writing poetry, I think the reason for that is because I do it so frequently and so rapidly at times that it almost becomes a blur to me. Certain times I’m just bored of it and wanting to write something else but I don’t know what else to write so what happens ? … More poetry happens to come out of me, I do have ideas to write but it’s just putting these ideas together because at times things sound good in my head but I don’t know if things would transfer to paper the way they sound in my head..

What can I say at times I get rather bored and when I get bored I get rather spontaneous which I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.. For example today I got bored when I looked in the mirror and thought “what the fuck am I going to do with my hair” since it’s getting to the point of actually having to style it… I stared at myself for about five minutes before I said “fuck this, I’m shaving my head”.. Me shaving my head isn’t something completely new to me, I’ve done it countless times before and I will do it countless times in the future it’s more or less me just getting frustrated or bored with my hair and not knowing what else to do with it so I shave it off thinking it’s one less thing I have to think about…

When I get bored I also tend to question many things, for example the last few days I’ve been questioning my blog, is wordpress where I want to be with my blog ? Or should I move it else where… Am I happy with my current website or should I just shut it down and point everything towards my blog ? … Am I happy with my current state of writing, should I be writing about something different.. Honestly these just tend to keep me awake at night and questioning things further, but in the past me sticking with one web host for long was an odd thing.. I say it was an odd thing because I tend to bounce between two or three different web hosts thinking a different host would give me something better, or would having my site on a place like Wix be better for me ?

Honestly at times I get tired of doing my own site, I find it frustrating, I find myself questioning everything about it… but then I look at myself and say honestly I’m no doubt the lease interesting person on this planet why would anyone search me out or search out the idea of me doing all this stuff that I do.. I admit it my sites are rather boring and I’ve spent money to try to make them more better but it doesn’t really work because I tend to just sit there scratching my head questioning if what I did was the best thing for me.. So then after a few days or a week my mind freaks out and I’m back to square one of creating shit myself and saying to myself “I can do things better myself than anything else” even though no matter what it doesn’t overly matter because it all showcases the same crap just with a different face on it, but nobody cares to look at the crap I want to showcase… At which point in time I no doubt loose my mind a bit more and start questioning if I want to give up on everything…

Which isn’t exactly what one wants, at times I wonder how people put up with me I start questioning everything and I know I’ve even asked my girlfriend 101 times if I should move my blog elsewhere but she keeps telling me to keep it where it is.. I think she’s concerned that if I move it elsewhere then I’ll want to move it to some place different after that and she’ll be stuck with 101 subscriptions to things and not knowing where I’m going to post next or maybe she’s hoping that something will happen to snap me out of my current state of mind… But I doubt much will change

As of late I’ve been thinking about getting out of writing, just trying my hand at something else, I don’t really know what else though.. I had the brief though of trying music again which is a thought but I don’t know how that will go.. But I guess I can give it a try and see what happens, I also had the thought of doing something with video but I don’t know what to do about that one either… I guess just random video shorts and seeing what happens.. I think it’s more so that I have Coyotes Publishing and I’m using the platform for who knows what.. So far nothing has overly worked for me that I’ve tried so I don’t know what else to try since I doubt anything else will overly work for me… I guess I’m always up for trying something new it’s just a matter of trying to find what that something new is that I want to try….

Kennie

Loneliness = Boredom

So it appears that when I’m by myself I’m lonely and when I’m lonely then boredom happens and it happens frequently. I hate this, I have over 200 xbox one games and none of them sound good. I think I get bored really really easily and it bothers me cause it makes me sit and look at the wall more often than not.  I feel sorry for people who hang out with me, they must think I’m one boring POS.
I never know what I want to do with my time.

I also have a playstation 4, but I don’t play it much.. The odd time I’ve thought about it, hell I’ve thought about going back to xbox 360 if it would help me get rid of my boredom but sadly… It doesn’t.

I think it’s because none of the games seem to facinate me, I thought about buying Star Wars Battlefront. Money isn’t the issue, the issue is I’m worried that if I do by the time I get it downloaded I’ll be bored and won’t want to play it.

I know I write but honestly as of late I’ve been feeling like I have to force stuff out, I don’t feel like it’s me anymore. I think in a few ways I just have to walk away from everything that I do to pass the time, even though I can see me starring at the wall for hours on end. But I think if that’s what I need to do then I should do it. Since right now I feel like all I’m doing is forcing myself to go from doing one thing to another,

I remember dropping coin on a 4TB external drive for my x1 so that I could download games anytime I want and it would all just sit there and wait for me to play it, well I feel like it’s just becoming a pain in the fucking ass right now. I feel like I don’t want to play those games, honestly nothing that’s out for the xbox one  (x1) I care to play right now. I don’t know what I want to play.. I’m just bored and it bothers me ALOT. I’ve been listing games on ebay to sell, honestly I don’t know if I want to sell some of them but I keep selling them because I don’t know what else to do. I kinda would prefer to have the money right now, BUT there’s nothing I care to spend it on…

I usually load my computer up with programs I use but as of late I’m slowly removing everything because I just lost interest in it, but the worse thing is I keep beating myself up over it. When I’m bored my mind goes right to “lets play video games”
I know my Xbox Live Gold subscription needs to be renewed in April, at this point in time I don’t want to renew it. I keep buying games and I keep kicking myself over doing so because I don’t play them and they just sit.. I just don’t know what to do..

Well that’s my thoughts for the time being, guess i’ll go back to uninstalling stuff on here 😦

Kennie

Boredom

WOW, I must say the last two days I’ve felt boredom on a whole new level. I normally can easily get into gaming so I sat down and played some xbox one and I literally just sat and looked at the screen wondering what game to play, most games haven’t been lasting long with me. I’m starting to think that I need to take time away from that my problem is when I walk away from things like video games to give myself a break, I have to fight myself to go back to them at times. Then I have other times that something will sound good in my head until I sit down and play it, then once I sit down and play things the boredom rushes in like crazy.
I’ve been experiencing this for the last little while, I don’t know what the deal is, during the day I sit around and my brain feels like mush. The evening comes I watch a couple tv shows and at times I fight to keep my eyes open, then I sit to play video games and I stare at them like I don’t know what to do.
I wish I knew what was going on inside my own head.

I just listed 3 games for sale on ebay that I had on disc and they’ve sat for better part of the year and I haven’t touched them, one of which I bought a few day ago that I don’t really care to play but right now I don’t know what I do care to play. Incase your wondering the 3 games are:
WWE 2k17
Watch Dogs 2
Deus Ex – Mankind Divided

It’s starting to bother me that things that I normally do to occupy myself during the day I’m getting very very bored of.. Does this mean I need to find a new hobby ?, it very well will mean that however the problem with me finding a new hobby is one thing, at the current state my brain is in I don’t think anything will sound that terribly good. I can see me trying stuff out and just really sitting and starring at it like it’s a blank canvas and wondering what should I do with it next. Many things sound good to do when I think about them, I just have trouble bringing myself to do them.

I would hate to say that I’m over working my own brain which is causing it to be completely exhausted, specially when I don’t do a whole lot. I know this isn’t the first time that I’ve felt this way, in fact I’ve felt this way during the fall when Mom asked me to pile wood I had the hardest time getting motivated to go out and do it, then when she asked me to move the wood piles because some bullshit issue with the fence on our property I also found it very hard to find motivation to go and get that… So what does that say about me ?
Does that say that I’m a pathetic fat ass who can’t do anything ?… I wouldn’t think so but the fact that I’m having trouble staying interested in certain tasks enough to fully complete them to the end might say something different about me, or how about the fact that this is my second or third.. I think third blog posting of today, not that I normally have anything to say because I don’t, trust me I generally sit around and not say a whole lot or do a whole lot.

I hope no matter what I’m currently going through to make me feel like this that I snap outta it, because in all honesty it’s more frustrating than anything specially when you try and think of something to do but you just can’t do it.. you just sit motionless

Well that’s all I’m going to say about that, I could go on.. believe me I could. But in all honesty I think at some point in time I would just start to ramble, either that or I would forget or get bored of what I’m typing

Kennie