Can Still Hear Your Yelling

All people ever do is get frustrated with me and yell at me, they don’t even have to live with me and I can tell they’re frustrated and yelling. I can hear it inside of my head like an echo. Something I can’t get away from, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do it’s always there.

Disappointment must be synonymous with the name Ken because that’s all I ever bring that’s all people ever see in me. I can see it in almost everyone’s eyes who look at me, can see the “this person will bring me disappointment” they also see that I will bring anger and frustration.

I can understand why people drink and do drugs to try and drown that sort of thing out, I’ve never been one to do either. I just let it get inside of my head and own me and run my life and show me just how worthless I am.

To get to the point of wanting to give up trying, when I was younger my mom would talk about putting me up for adoption cause she was that frustrated with me at times, at times I wish she would have. It makes me wonder where I would be now, or would I be. I hear certain terms and I’ve known you’ve given up on me, I know you just want to walk away.

Leaving me in the dust behind, far behind so you can no longer have to see me in anyway

I can’t say I’m overly surprised that anyone wouldn’t want to give up on me

Kennie

New Day, Same Shit

Eyes opened to darkness, a new day is upon me as I laid in bed for a bit while I let the rest of my body woke up. Till my bladder kicked in then that pushed me waking up faster as having to pee was more motivation to get out of bed.

Got dressed, up to the bathroom as I made my way I know that nothing has changed. The number of the day maybe the same but it still brings the same old shit from it again. I tried to stay positive but now I just want to crawl back into bed and throw the covers over my head.

Wanting to forget the world exists and lay in a warmth and safety of my covers, close my eyes and let my brain and body drift to hopefully spend much more time where it was. Not having to get up and be around people.

Sadly I don’t have that option, as I felt the need to get up and actually stay up. After a few moments I tend to question why my brain wanted to get up today when it was better off spending it in bed.

I’m already counting down the hours until I can return back to it

Kennie

Why Do I Try

Why do I bother to try ? When I can see the end result being failure
Not just me failing to communicate my own thoughts, I can already see you wanting to yell at me for what came out of my mouth when I open it because I’m never right
I should just duct tape my mouth shut so nobody has to listen to what comes out of it anymore.

But for some strange reason I sometimes think certain days are different and  that my thoughts actually will reflect change upon people and what I have to say will actually matter. But yet deep inside of my brain I know that it’s not true. Yet I still struggle to get out the words that I want to say, otherwise I still get yelled at.

The yelling never seems to stop, It’s a constant thing. I always knew I wasn’t good enough for this world. I always regret when I open my mouth, and words or sounds start coming out of my mouth. I wish I could just sew my mouth shut, permanently so even I don’t have to hear it. Why was I given a voice box, I would have been better being a mute.

I end up feeling sick for days after, I know nothing can ever shake that feeling, nor do I want to eat. I just never know why I bother to try, can I just pull the sheets up above my head and hide from the world. I can forget it exists just as easily as it forgets about me.
I’m sure it would be a much happier place,

Yet I continue to struggle, with everything. Not sure why I bother to try

Kennie

Makes Me Wonder

It’s often makes me wonder if you’ve looked at things more deeply.
Why does your favorite son drink
Why did your daughter move so far away
Why for a while your youngest contemplated suicide

But I guess in your mind your perfect.
Everything that you do is perfect
You have never done any wrong

But yet you always seem to be in this mood as of late
Not sure what caused it, but I’ve learned that one can’t talk in this house.
To question and try to figure out things is always wrong.

All I can do is sit and get yelled at, just like I have all the years of my life
No wonder I’m as fucked up in my head as I am, no wonder I struggle
With everything in my life, to make friends, to trust.

I’ve often said I struggle with being alone in the house.
However truth be told it’s when I’m alone I tend to listen to my thoughts more.
I tend to look at what is going on in this house.

It makes me wonder why I didn’t do what I thought about back in high school
Yeah I had one friend actually say something to me, showing that someone cared.
Maybe that’s what kept me from doing it, that one girl, a little girl.

She still talks to me this day, at times I wonder why she hasn’t abandoned me.
As I look at all the damage living with you and him have done to me over the years
I can tell that nobody in this house will have a normal life, a normal anything for that.

I don’t think anyone can really get away from what you’ve already done.
I don’t think anyone will ever get away from it.
The impression has been left, I can see how it’s affected everyone.

But it’s’ too late now, the damage is done, just wonder who has it affected worse.
I think me cause I’m still living in this house and still living with you.
But I don’t know what the other two have been through, nor do I know for how long.

Kennie

If My Time Ran Out ?

If my time ran out, would many people notice
Would it matter to few or none at all
At times I sit and think about how my life has affected others

In both good ways and bad ways
What if my time has clicked over to overtime
I should have chosen my path to go right but I chose left

I’ve never been any good at making decisions
If my time ran out tonight, how long would it take before anyone noticed
Would I lay in bed for a day before anyone checked on me

What would life be like after that happened
At times I wonder if we all have a clock above our heads counting backwards
Until the time that our life will expire, but we can’t see it. Nobody living can.

But the ones who have passed can see it as they roam the same plains as us
Unable to change the outcome or give someone more time
All they can do is sit and watch, like a slow motion reply.

Nothing can be done except waiting until the end, you can’t warn the person
Almost like the sands of time, watching each grain fall.
As the top gets close to being empty, you feel like the last bit takes a eternity.

Once again slow motion kicks in watching, but the person doesn’t know
Only the ones who have passed.
What if my time ran out ?

Kennie

The Day After

Here I sit the day after.. Reminiscing
There was no confetti, no streamers, no big party
I’m not much of a party person, I tend to spend most time alone.

Watching netflix on my birthday, I took the entire day to watch a ten episode show
After a few episodes I would break off and go do something else, my mind wouldn’t stop
It was nice to make a show last for a day.

Around 4pm Mom called me from the cottage, for the last at least twenty years she would take off up there, spending thanksgiving with a group of people.
The group would change over the years as people would pass as they tend to do so.

Mom later called me around six, seemed a bit odd two phone calls in a day, she then told me that Uncle Bill passed away.
He’s been fighting cancer, at times we got good news, other times not so much.

On October 4th Mom told me he was given two weeks to live, I couldn’t imagine.
But it turned out the next day is when his body called it quits.
He’s in a better place now.

We would always talk sports, his favorite was baseball. He was a stats man
He also told me about a documentary about Trailer Park Boys that he seen. It was them just starting out. I’ve thought about checking out the show on a few occasions. I haven’t done so.

I’ve talked about it a bit more recently, I don’t know if I will or not.
I have mixed feelings about doing so.
Was hoping a few different things for yesterday.

Simple things like nice weather, thought about going for a walk maybe but it was cool, it rained in the afternoon so it got brushed off.
Wanted to see my girlfriend, she got called into the hospital. I’m understanding about it

I know she feels bad that she didn’t get a chance to come over. But I know we’ll get together to celebrate since I know how much it bugged her that she didn’t get the chance.

I also wish I didn’t get that bad news, but I guess being 37 I would rather get it on the day rather than the next day and feel like it was being held from me because of my birthday. If I was younger I could understand why one would hold that news. Now it just seems like a fact of life.

Kennie

Brain kicks in

Laying in bed

Half asleep

Half awake

Feeling like my body could go over to the sleep side any moment.

I continue to lay with the lights off and my eyes closed trying to keep my brain clear

Hearing the clock tick in the background which I don’t understand cause it’s digital

Words start coming to mind, putting them together like they’re magnets on a fridge

Radomly think “magnets how do they work ?” then my mind goes to music and various lyrics

Next thing I think is, only music will shut my brain up, I get up and grab the ipod

Toss my earbuds in and click play, still laying in darkness I listen to music.

One track turns to two which then ends up being my entire ipod as I catch the first song again.

Tossing and turning like crazy, nothing appears to be helping.

Finally I decided to get my ass out of bed, to get up and hop on the computer.

Hopefully by the time I crawl back into bed my brain has had enough

I’ve always wished my brain had an off switch

But sadly nobody I know is willing to hit me with a frying pan.

They frown upon me getting the frying pan and venturing to the bedroom

Knowing that it’s not for breakfast in the morning

​Kennie