Briefly Tried…

So I briefly tried to dip myself back into the world of html/css and creating sites, but it only lasted for about a day before I backed everything up and removed it. My html sites don’t get viewed and as much as I want to say that it’s a passion of mine to keep my html site going, it’s not really.  The website host I’m with requires for the site to get 1 hit a month to stay active and from what I see my site is literally living month by month because it just barely gets by for getting that one hit, however this blog has been getting much more and it’s just so much easier to maintain and do stuff with.

I also installed my sports games and played with them I don’t know if things are going to last with that, but I know for the last few years I’ve questioned if they were going to last, it’s like me and creating music… I know I currently have one release that hasn’t been made public but I think after that I may just call it quits… It’s not so much that I don’t enjoy it, because I do but it takes me so long to get inspired to do it. Where as writing just is a natural thing with me so I think I would just rather focus on that.

It’s not that I don’t want to do certain things like create beats or anything like that but certainly I have gotten to the point of saying I would rather write, more people seem to view my writing than anything else and I do enjoy it more.

I thought about trying to save my websites and moving them to blogs but at this point in time I think I would just be doing that for something to do because I don’t really think it bothers me if the sites I create survive online or not. Since I like having full access to things no matter where I’m at and being able to post things from my tablet if I want to.

I have also had the thought of doing a bit more stuff in terms of video but I haven’t really decided on that right now, I might play around with it, I might not…



Pass Sports

I remember growing up I use to be a big sports guy, always knew how each team was doing, had thoughts on each team (legitimate thoughts). If a trade happened I knew about it and I could talk sports with friends for hours. I always tried to learn new things about each sport since certain sports like basketball wasn’t a strong suit for me.

Back in 2005 when my Father died the interest faded since for the last few years prior to that we would occasionally talk sports.

2017 my interest faded to the point of I don’t even see the light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to sports. I no longer have an interest in them, I use to run fantasy sports with all fictional players and teams to keep my knowledge sharp and try to do my own predictions as well as my own trades for what I know, however I believe that side of me has been turned off. I kept struggling with things since 2017 and I kept thinking that things were back but it didn’t last long so the best things for me to do is ignore that side of myself and let my new passions grow.

I think I watched one hockey game this year, I don’t even think it was a full game because I wanted to see how Vegas Golden Knights were, since they’re the latest expansion team. I would like to see them win the Stanley Cup but I honestly am paying little attention to any sport anymore, I see the odd highlight and score when I login to facebook since I have a few friends who are sports nuts so the odd thing I see but I don’t pay attention to things like I use to, like I said that side of me… Yup that side has been laid to rest.

I have learned from my past not to force an interest in things, because they don’t usually work out the way one wants. So the fantasy sports site that I have created will just sit online as is until it’s closed down, it’s not like I don’t have a backup of things anyways. But I’m not rushing back into that side of my life.

But anyways… moving onto something else

Watching TV

So for me to watch a good TV show requires two things, first it requires a good tv show because let’s face it I had to state the obvious with it lol.
The second thing it requires is good company, if I don’t enjoy the company I’m with I won’t enjoy the tv show. My case and point is this…

I began to watch 13 Reasons with my ex, we recently started to watch season two and three episodes into it is when I’ve noticed something, I noticed that I’ve just been zoned out for the three episodes because while I try and be nice to her all she ends up doing is bitching and moaning to her friends about how I’m treating her like shit even though we just sit and watch a fucking tv show together. So I have given up watching TV with her, instead I will gladly sit by myself and either surf on my tablet, my mini laptop or my Mom’s computer rather than sit and watch things with her. At this point in time if I would rather watch either show that she’s watching I would rather just watch them by myself or with someone else.

The three episodes that we began to watch I’ve felt sick to my stomach after watching cause I just felt completely stressed after watching it. Would rather not watch tv or a movie around here, just would rather sit in the darkness and do nothing, sounds like I might be depressed huh ? I’m sure if you all had to deal with her, you would feel the same way and completely understand.

I’m tired of trying to be a nice guy and getting no where. I guess I would rather be a nice guy and be by myself for the rest of my life than be a nice guy and get treated like shit for being a nice guy.


Another Night Of…

Well it appears to be a second night of me feeling like I want to vomit, not sure if it’s stress or eating too much or what it might be, but that’s how I’m feeling.
Not the greatest feeling at 8pm, definitely doesn’t make me want to stay up .. The feeling makes me want to crawl in bed and just lay there to watch movies.

I have to quit doing this to myself, if only I would smarten myself up. But I know I won’t, my brain doesn’t work like that.

As of late I feel like my life revolves around me laying in bed because that’s what I appear to do most is just lay in bed. I guess I just do what I’m good at, as of late I feel like I’m good at nothing and good for nothing.

Feels like I loose interest in shit all the time, but as of late it seems like it’s more often and more frequently.

Well I’m going to go crawl into bed and find a movie to watch, I know that sounds pathetic, but as per usual tablet will be handy.


Having Trouble

So I’ve been having trouble the last two days, been wanting to do a bunch of site work on one of my sites however it appears that is what’s causing trouble.. I’ve just been feeling so down the last few days that I don’t want to work on stuff like that which usually takes my mind off things. I haven’t really felt like doing anything except laying in bed all day in total darkness hiding from the world.

I have started the bit of site work that I have wanted to do but honestly what I have done should have taken me like five or six minutes, but instead it’s taken me about two or three hours.
I feel like I just don’t want to do anything anymore and it bothers me.

In one way I want to blame my ex cause I’m just so exhausted dealing with her shit on a day to day basis that by the evening I just want to lay in bed.. I don’t even feel like eating half the time either, I don’t feel like doing anything.
I feel like I’m constantly struggling to do shit as of late and I hate that.

Things that I normally do to take my mind off things have been the most difficult thing for me to do.

The last two days I’ve honestly been sitting and looking out the window as time passes because I’m having trouble doing anything else.


Instagram – Goodbye

I signed up with instagram a little while ago, I guess I figured I would be motivated to take a few more pics and show people into my boring life. However that never actually happened I think I took about 12 pics and most were just of this ugly thing called myself. So I decided to scrap it today.

No real need to keep it going, almost seems pointless to do so.


Lost Feeling

I know I haven’t wrote anything in a bit, I think three days or maybe more since I wrote poetry. I know yesterday I wrote something that I posted or maybe it was the day before.

Honestly as of late I’ve just been feeling lost, I’ve been spending as much time as I could talking to my girlfriend just about anything really, I really haven’t had much to say about anything but I will gladly sit and listen to her and if I’m with her I’ll gladly look at her while she talks.. Of course I have the habit of trying to throw her off topic by doing stuff like mid sentence I’ll give her a kiss, depending on if it’s just a little kiss or if it lasts it sometimes has the habit of her forgetting what she was talking about.
Or we just sit and cuddle just to be together and she’ll curl up on me, yes she’s very cat like in that regard.

I normally do have that creative feeling and I have had it recently just I have kinda pushed it aside at times, I don’t know if it’s because I don’t feel like writing or if it’s because I’m worried that I might sound like a broken record by repeating myself.

Normally I don’t push my creativeness aside, every bit of creative juice I let it out… WOW that sounds kinda dirty hahaaa.

As of late I’m feeling lost, I know I’ve gotten out a bit more recently, went over to my Mom’s boyfriends place to help clean things up after a bit of a storm we had. I normally don’t go do stuff like that so it was definitely uncharacteristic of me. But I felt like I had to get out of the house for a bit and away from things, I don’t know what I really want to do but at those times when I did I definitely felt the need to get out. Even though I spent a portion of one of those days roaming his front yard picking up sticks and tossing them into a pile. It was something and it got me out of where I currently am.

Been doing thinking as of late, and maybe that’s why I haven’t really wrote anything since I’ve watched my writing numbers and how through my distributor my numbers have basically fallen to next to nothing, as of late my reads have been bouncing around the 20 mark, for the most of the time it stays below that. It makes me wonder if I should be using a distributing channel or not, or should I just stick with one site. Kinda like turning my site into it’s own personal library even though right now I don’t think I could be bothered, I just don’t think people go and read poetry like they use to. I know I get likes on here (my blog) when I write stuff but it makes me wonder if I should be writing any place else besides that. It certainly would save a assload of money, no I don’t pay to distribute anything but I do keep certain paid programs up dated so that I can use them without any problem.
Not that I pay something like Adobe that’s subscription based. I don’t and at most I drop I think $40 every few years to keep Paint Shop Pro updated. But it got me thinking how maybe I shouldn’t do that anymore.. Times are changing, it’s similar to my music I’ve thought about stepping away from that too. Just limiting myself to what I do, perhaps take a break from having to rush around and get things ready to distribute maybe that’s why I’m feeling lost.

Perhaps it is a time for a break and a time to just focus on two sites my blog and my actual site.. Or perhaps I’ll just focus on my blog for now. I think I have enough stuff out there in the world of distributing to spike people’s interest and I guess I’ll just focus on making my blog bigger.

Just a few thoughts, going to go have a bath and relax in the tub for a bit because clearly I’m dirty lol