So I took sometime to step away from writing, and my blog. Which is not a normal thing for me but leading up to the last thing I wrote I was heading down a dark path in which I tried to make myself a promise back in 1999 (when I was bullied and harassed in high school) that I wouldn’t go down it again but clearly I got dragged down it again which I didn’t like.
I know it affected me on numerous levels and it affected a person very close to me as well. It made me think some very dark thoughts which also include me hurting myself which I never wanted to have again. So I knew right then that I had to step away from things so I limited my computer usage, not saying that I couldn’t have wrote from my tablet but I did my best to not open the wordpress app. While I cleared my mind, I didn’t take deep breathes I didn’t take any meds or do any drugs or drink I just had to step away. I would like to say that I’m back and will start writing again shortly but I’m not going to make that promise and end up not writing for another little while.
Truthfully for the last little while I stressed and shook when it came to using the computer and I didn’t like that.
My shaking has calmed down, or so I would like to think it has, I know at times I was having trouble getting to sleep but the last four to five days I ended up falling asleep on my girlfriend while we texted at night mid conversation, I felt bad for it but she didn’t feel bad for me doing so cause she always knew she calmed me down.
Hopefully I can get back into writing the way you guys have enjoyed.
Speaking of writing I have been debating about how long to carry on the “Long Road To Nowhere” do I just end it and release it to the distributor or do I keep adding to it. I currently don’t know what my next release would be if I did release this one to the distributor. But I know the last few days I’ve kinda put my brain to sleep when it comes to writing.
But anyways those are my thoughts
I feel like I just watched someone I love walk out of my life.
It’s almost like it was in slow motion.
It makes me wonder if there is someone out there for me
Or if that is a myth that they say.
When truly how would they know if someone was out there.
There is no proof of that idea.
You can believe it or not.
It’s your own choice if you want to.
As I sit alone in my bedroom.
At times I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
But yet lots of the time I don’t think my future will be different.
I already know I lost you.
From the moment those words hit the screen I knew I did.
With you saying you wanting to think about what’s more important.
It comes down to choosing me or a bigger family.
I told you I don’t want kids, you know I struggle so much with my past.
Bullied and harassed, I always read stories about kids going through it now.
The difference is now they can’t get away from it, there’s facebook, instagram, snapchat
All ways to get in touch with someone, not to mention cell phones.
If I couldn’t get away from it, my life story maybe different.
I would loose my mind if my child went through it.
Knowing what it did to me.
I would loose sleep at night.
Just know this, if you don’t choose me.
I will forever respect you.
You have been the greatest gift in my life.
I will love you forever and always.
Knowing things will be awkward if you choose what I figure you will.
Respecting your choice is a promise I will make to you.
You deserve to follow your heart.
It knows you best.
I love you Natasha
Just wanted to let all of you followers and anyone else who might care. I’m taking a break from blogging for now, I don’t know for how long.
What you don’t know about me is that I have a speech impediment and today it’s been the worst it has ever been, I spent a lot of time in tears today.
Usually when I write I hear my voice or a better version of my voice in my head and all I can hear right now is my own stupid fucking voice. So I would rather just try to as little as possible so I don’t have to listen to it.
It’s amazing how you see me.
After all these years and all I’ve done and still do for you.
Remember back in the day Mom had a problem with you
So I bent over backwards so she wouldn’t kick you out.
A few years later she had another problem so once again
I stuck my neck out so she wouldn’t kick you out.
But yet you look at me as a monster.
I don’t understand.
We get shitty weather, I go outside before you get home.
I shovel to make sure you can get into the driveway.
Last time I checked I thought that was being a nice guy.
Once again I’m the monster.
I wanted to talk to you about something.
Then your attitude flared up.
I forgot I’m the monster with no heart.
Your life should be so much better since you have everything figured out.
Every little thing that happens you question everyone.
You give everyone attitude about everything.
I’m not sure how anyone else sees it.
But I bet to your friends, you don’t act that way.
Shit, I never realized maybe it’s your too damn privileged.
You must be that child who watches tv, movies and listens to music.
Having to take lines from that song and repeat them over and over.
Until you believe that it’s you.
So it seems I’ve gotten many views as of late, not a whole lot where it’s like “holy shit” but more than usual. So I guess that means that everyone has that one bad relationship. So I’m glad I can write stuff that everyone can relate to..
I know my current girlfriend is very open with me. We’ve talked about so many more things than my ex and it’s just been a short time with her too. I’ve learned much and got to ask questions about stuff that my ex just answered things very simplistically. When I ask a question it’s cause I’m interested and I would like to learn it’s not just asking you a question to fake some sort of interest.
Some guys might do that, but I’m not one of those guys.
I haven’t decided how long my current release will be, current release is called “Long Road To Nowhere” , I think it’s currently 12-13 pages… But I could be wrong… I haven’t decided how long I would like to make it yet.
I haven’t decided if I wanted to write today, cause the last two days we’ve had a ice storm and I’ve watched the lights flicker a few times so I’ve just been trying to keep what I do down to a minimal.