Can Still Hear Your Yelling

All people ever do is get frustrated with me and yell at me, they don’t even have to live with me and I can tell they’re frustrated and yelling. I can hear it inside of my head like an echo. Something I can’t get away from, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do it’s always there.

Disappointment must be synonymous with the name Ken because that’s all I ever bring that’s all people ever see in me. I can see it in almost everyone’s eyes who look at me, can see the “this person will bring me disappointment” they also see that I will bring anger and frustration.

I can understand why people drink and do drugs to try and drown that sort of thing out, I’ve never been one to do either. I just let it get inside of my head and own me and run my life and show me just how worthless I am.

To get to the point of wanting to give up trying, when I was younger my mom would talk about putting me up for adoption cause she was that frustrated with me at times, at times I wish she would have. It makes me wonder where I would be now, or would I be. I hear certain terms and I’ve known you’ve given up on me, I know you just want to walk away.

Leaving me in the dust behind, far behind so you can no longer have to see me in anyway

I can’t say I’m overly surprised that anyone wouldn’t want to give up on me


New Day, Same Shit

Eyes opened to darkness, a new day is upon me as I laid in bed for a bit while I let the rest of my body woke up. Till my bladder kicked in then that pushed me waking up faster as having to pee was more motivation to get out of bed.

Got dressed, up to the bathroom as I made my way I know that nothing has changed. The number of the day maybe the same but it still brings the same old shit from it again. I tried to stay positive but now I just want to crawl back into bed and throw the covers over my head.

Wanting to forget the world exists and lay in a warmth and safety of my covers, close my eyes and let my brain and body drift to hopefully spend much more time where it was. Not having to get up and be around people.

Sadly I don’t have that option, as I felt the need to get up and actually stay up. After a few moments I tend to question why my brain wanted to get up today when it was better off spending it in bed.

I’m already counting down the hours until I can return back to it


Why Do I Try

Why do I bother to try ? When I can see the end result being failure
Not just me failing to communicate my own thoughts, I can already see you wanting to yell at me for what came out of my mouth when I open it because I’m never right
I should just duct tape my mouth shut so nobody has to listen to what comes out of it anymore.

But for some strange reason I sometimes think certain days are different and  that my thoughts actually will reflect change upon people and what I have to say will actually matter. But yet deep inside of my brain I know that it’s not true. Yet I still struggle to get out the words that I want to say, otherwise I still get yelled at.

The yelling never seems to stop, It’s a constant thing. I always knew I wasn’t good enough for this world. I always regret when I open my mouth, and words or sounds start coming out of my mouth. I wish I could just sew my mouth shut, permanently so even I don’t have to hear it. Why was I given a voice box, I would have been better being a mute.

I end up feeling sick for days after, I know nothing can ever shake that feeling, nor do I want to eat. I just never know why I bother to try, can I just pull the sheets up above my head and hide from the world. I can forget it exists just as easily as it forgets about me.
I’m sure it would be a much happier place,

Yet I continue to struggle, with everything. Not sure why I bother to try


Makes Me Wonder

It’s often makes me wonder if you’ve looked at things more deeply.
Why does your favorite son drink
Why did your daughter move so far away
Why for a while your youngest contemplated suicide

But I guess in your mind your perfect.
Everything that you do is perfect
You have never done any wrong

But yet you always seem to be in this mood as of late
Not sure what caused it, but I’ve learned that one can’t talk in this house.
To question and try to figure out things is always wrong.

All I can do is sit and get yelled at, just like I have all the years of my life
No wonder I’m as fucked up in my head as I am, no wonder I struggle
With everything in my life, to make friends, to trust.

I’ve often said I struggle with being alone in the house.
However truth be told it’s when I’m alone I tend to listen to my thoughts more.
I tend to look at what is going on in this house.

It makes me wonder why I didn’t do what I thought about back in high school
Yeah I had one friend actually say something to me, showing that someone cared.
Maybe that’s what kept me from doing it, that one girl, a little girl.

She still talks to me this day, at times I wonder why she hasn’t abandoned me.
As I look at all the damage living with you and him have done to me over the years
I can tell that nobody in this house will have a normal life, a normal anything for that.

I don’t think anyone can really get away from what you’ve already done.
I don’t think anyone will ever get away from it.
The impression has been left, I can see how it’s affected everyone.

But it’s’ too late now, the damage is done, just wonder who has it affected worse.
I think me cause I’m still living in this house and still living with you.
But I don’t know what the other two have been through, nor do I know for how long.