It’s now 3:16pm …

So last night in the middle of the night while having trouble sleeping I thought I would get up and write up a blog post just saying a bunch of thoughts that were on my mind, which I would like to say it help me put things in perspective but in all honestly it didn’t.

I woke up today from not getting much more sleep, even though I wanted to lay in bed longer than what I did and I decided to pull down all the free music I posted, yea I know I suck.. But I have decided to reopen my bandcamp page and start listing my music back on that site for sale in hopes of making some sort of coin from it, right now I only have a few items since it’s a slow process unless I want to pay $10 for the month and get multi-file uploads at the same time. However in all honesty I don’t know if I care to pay that when I haven’t made anything from my music so for the time being I’m just going to hang out and do things one file at  a time, it might take a while but I’m up for taking my time doing so. If your interested in checking out my bandcamp page or even supporting me by purchasing some of my music:
https://kenniekayoz.bandcamp.com

I have had a few more thoughts of things to write about but I think right now I just want to take a bit of time off from writing, even though I know when I say this it generally doesn’t work out that way and I tend to end up writing again within a day or two.  But right now I just want to take it easy and get other things online like my music so it doesn’t matter to me if I write much or not, I do enjoy writing don’t get me wrong however now and then one needs a break from it. I don’t know if I was feeling burned out from it since at times I found like that’s all I did or if my brain just said “hey, lets do something different” either way it doesn’t matter. Hopefully something different helps, since as of late I’ve had a bunch of things on my brain and I know some of it is actually stressing me out.

I guess I just don’t know what to do with my time, I’ve been trying to take it easy as of late and hopefully slowly clear my head but I can’t really promise that will happen.

Who really knows what is going to come out of me next for what I’m going to work on, right now I don’t really know, I have thoughts… But I can’t promise any of them will actually happen

So that’s where I sit right now and that’s what is going through my mind right now

Kennie

It is 1:45am

So here I sit, it’s 1:45am and I’ve already been in bed for a few hours.. I actually crawled into bed around 8pm because I’m on some medication that as of late food hasn’t been staying in me.. You know the expression “faster than shit through a goose ?” Perhaps you heard it from someone older than you or perhaps you just heard it now coming from yours truly, well right now I think there is something that happens faster than shit through a goose and it’s shit through a Kennie, more importantly this Kennie.

So these pills have basically made my stomach into a punching bag, which I did get warned when I started to take them that they would be tough on my stomach and trust me they’re not kidding.. Usually making multiple trips to the bathroom in a day so much so that I don’t even know if any of the food at times is in me enough for me to gain anything from it. Which has been causing me to go to bed early because by around 7pm I’m pretty fucking worn out and my tolerance for people is at a all time low by that point in time since I just want to sleep. Which this tends to mean that I’m usually awake around the hour of midnight and I’m fine with that and I tend to be awake for a few hours doing a few things which generally involves working on one of my websites and making a few changes to one of them or sitting here and scratching my balls wondering whose online and if anyone that I care to talk to will actually reply to me.

But usually by this time for the last few days anyone I want to talk to is usually in bed or away from the devices they use so the chance of me getting any sort of response is slim to none, so that becomes a last resort for what I want to do. This then has me attempting to write if anything comes to mind and to be honest as of late I’ve been getting a bit bored of writing poetry, I think the reason for that is because I do it so frequently and so rapidly at times that it almost becomes a blur to me. Certain times I’m just bored of it and wanting to write something else but I don’t know what else to write so what happens ? … More poetry happens to come out of me, I do have ideas to write but it’s just putting these ideas together because at times things sound good in my head but I don’t know if things would transfer to paper the way they sound in my head..

What can I say at times I get rather bored and when I get bored I get rather spontaneous which I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.. For example today I got bored when I looked in the mirror and thought “what the fuck am I going to do with my hair” since it’s getting to the point of actually having to style it… I stared at myself for about five minutes before I said “fuck this, I’m shaving my head”.. Me shaving my head isn’t something completely new to me, I’ve done it countless times before and I will do it countless times in the future it’s more or less me just getting frustrated or bored with my hair and not knowing what else to do with it so I shave it off thinking it’s one less thing I have to think about…

When I get bored I also tend to question many things, for example the last few days I’ve been questioning my blog, is wordpress where I want to be with my blog ? Or should I move it else where… Am I happy with my current website or should I just shut it down and point everything towards my blog ? … Am I happy with my current state of writing, should I be writing about something different.. Honestly these just tend to keep me awake at night and questioning things further, but in the past me sticking with one web host for long was an odd thing.. I say it was an odd thing because I tend to bounce between two or three different web hosts thinking a different host would give me something better, or would having my site on a place like Wix be better for me ?

Honestly at times I get tired of doing my own site, I find it frustrating, I find myself questioning everything about it… but then I look at myself and say honestly I’m no doubt the lease interesting person on this planet why would anyone search me out or search out the idea of me doing all this stuff that I do.. I admit it my sites are rather boring and I’ve spent money to try to make them more better but it doesn’t really work because I tend to just sit there scratching my head questioning if what I did was the best thing for me.. So then after a few days or a week my mind freaks out and I’m back to square one of creating shit myself and saying to myself “I can do things better myself than anything else” even though no matter what it doesn’t overly matter because it all showcases the same crap just with a different face on it, but nobody cares to look at the crap I want to showcase… At which point in time I no doubt loose my mind a bit more and start questioning if I want to give up on everything…

Which isn’t exactly what one wants, at times I wonder how people put up with me I start questioning everything and I know I’ve even asked my girlfriend 101 times if I should move my blog elsewhere but she keeps telling me to keep it where it is.. I think she’s concerned that if I move it elsewhere then I’ll want to move it to some place different after that and she’ll be stuck with 101 subscriptions to things and not knowing where I’m going to post next or maybe she’s hoping that something will happen to snap me out of my current state of mind… But I doubt much will change

As of late I’ve been thinking about getting out of writing, just trying my hand at something else, I don’t really know what else though.. I had the brief though of trying music again which is a thought but I don’t know how that will go.. But I guess I can give it a try and see what happens, I also had the thought of doing something with video but I don’t know what to do about that one either… I guess just random video shorts and seeing what happens.. I think it’s more so that I have Coyotes Publishing and I’m using the platform for who knows what.. So far nothing has overly worked for me that I’ve tried so I don’t know what else to try since I doubt anything else will overly work for me… I guess I’m always up for trying something new it’s just a matter of trying to find what that something new is that I want to try….

Kennie

One Way

We all have our own thoughts on what would make a perfect society
No matter one’s up bringing we all have our own thoughts for it.
I don’t think either one of us is 100% right, nor 100% wrong.

We all hold pieces to the puzzle to make a perfect society
Even Hitler thought his idea for society was perfect, we looked at him as crazy.
Saddam was no different, we looked at him the same way.

Every group known to mankind has there own reflection of perfection.
I don’t think anyone is 100% right, nor 100% wrong
Until we all can figure out what the right way is, we will all struggle.

Each of us will have small struggles, the world will have large struggles.
Each country thinks they’re doing it right, each country has there own wrongs
Currently the way society is projected, is being forced upon each and everyone

We all have rules and regulations to live by, some we agree some we don’t.
I’m not saying that we’re 100% right, nor 100% wrong
But it will take a larger group for a change to happen.

I’m not talking a large group of people with weapons, that’s called a war.
Sadly I don’t think this planet will survive another war on the world sized scale
Think it would all come down to a push of a button, BOOM! that’s all, nothing left.

The way the world is going in this day in age, we have lots of little wars.
So many shootings in so many communities, nobody knows what’s going on.
How many innocent victims have we lost ?. Being at the wrong place, wrong time.

How many lives ruined, how many families shattered, how many questions asked ?
Yet we still have no answers
I look at the younger generation that’s growing up, I don’t know if I agree with things

Not sure if they’re being raised right, or wrong.
Will they even have a world to live in when they hit late 30s ?
I don’t know what my future will hold

At times I wonder if I’ll even be around to grow old

Kennie

Through The Pain

To some people life is a gift, the proceed to do good things to others.
To others they feel like life is a regret, they choose to do harm to others
We all have things we have to go through in our life time, both good and bad

Some of the good things will make you smile, knowing that you’ve done some good
Much of the bad will make you cry, from the pain that it has caused
Every sunrise it will cast a new light upon the day.

Allowing us to see the rest of the world that can both gain and loss by our actions
By harming another human physically or even death, your not harming just one
Your disrupting a family, a community. Your disrupting yourself

By making those choices, those choices will affect you
You have to carry that burden through your entire life
That person in your life could be trying to help you, but you refuse to let them.

Kennie

WOW, Can’t Believe It..

So I broke up with my ex back in September as I’ve documented on this blog a number of times. She’s still living with me, for a while she was thinking about moving out but then she got told that she needs shoulder surgery so me being the nice guy I told her she could stay here and recoup from it. Well it appears that everything I’m trying to do for her is wrong, she’s grown this attitude about every fucking thing and it’s driving me nuts.

As of late I’m just going through the motions until everything is done so she’ll hopefully move out but I’ve been trying to think of everything… For example when you walk in the front door you can either stay on that main floor or if she wants to lay down she has to go up or down 12 stairs in order to get to a bed, but at her parents place she wouldn’t have to go up or downstairs. So I suggested she should go there for a few days and make her life easier since I know on a average day she sometimes trips going upstairs and I wouldn’t want that when her arm will be in a sling… But clearly that’s wrong, me suggesting her going to her parents is wrong, me trying to look out for her is wrong… Last time I checked being a nice guy and trying to help out was a good thing, but I’m starting to think not. I’ve always been a nice guy, to everyone.

I remember countless times walking out of a store and seeing a few guys struggle to put something in the back of a pick up truck, I would quickly jog over and give my assistance without thinking twice. That’s just how I was raised to always help others, I’ve done that more times than I can recall and the guys who I help always thank me which is nice to hear.

But with my ex, holy fuck is it another story. She drives me fucking nuts, specially as of late, I just don’t know what to do. I’m trying to be there for her and trying to help her when I can but clearly I should be worshiping the ground she walks on in her mind for things to go better… It’s a good thing I don’t drive, I would easily dump her bitch ass off at one of her boyfriends place and be like “you fucking deal with her” …  I’m sure she has a boyfriend, I’m sure through facebook messenger I’ve been threatened a number of times, nothing directly of course because they honestly don’t have the balls for that but to her while they hide behind the devices they type on… Hell I’m sure her Mom has even talked shit about me through email to her, but honestly I don’t care.. I know her Mom won’t say shit to me directly cause she won’t like my answer which would be simply put: “You talk shit about me, yet she’s still living with me… You can’t be that ungrateful can you be ?… Clearly the answer is yes”

Some people make me shake my fucking heads at them, I don’t know what else to say about it but it’s driving me nuts… I honestly can’t wait till she’s better so she can start looking for a place to live, I think I’ve put up with enough at this point in time….

Kennie

Tired Of This Formatting Problem

I said a few weeks ago that I was going back to smashwords as my distributor.. Things seemed fine however it appears that one of my releases “Kennies’ Guide To The Galaxy” keeps getting hit with errors for distribution.. I’ve redone this fucking thing about nine times already… My latest is I completely stripped it down to nothing.. if I get rejected which I think I will. I’m going back to bookrix for that book and everything else from here on out. I may not get the reads but I don’t like how they’re formatting my books at this time I won’t carry over any old releases I’ll just stick with everything new from here on out.